Brian Townsend
Most things about living in Trump’s America are, let’s face it, shitty. Sure the list of shittiness extends beyond the obvious: that Donald Trump is the President of these United States, that being “politically incorrect” and “telling it like it is” are merely cover for being a shitty asshole, and that “expertise” and “knowing how to do things” have never been less celebrated. But I’d rather not spend the few minutes when I don’t find myself madly screaming into the void making a list of the metric shit tonne of things that are shitty and that suck. That said, there are some things that aren’t shitty too. This intermittent review of things that aren’t shitty kicks off with the History Channel’s show Vikings, season 2 episode 9: “The Choice”.
“The Choice” is a good episode because, first of all, it’s not shitty like Trump’s America. Secondly, it’s a good episode because that titular choice at the center of the episode involves my favorite character, the former monk-turned slave-turned viking-turned crucifixion guy-turned confidant to King Ecbert of Wessex-turned translator of Roman scrolls-turned viking, Athelstan. I think one of the reasons I’m drawn to Athelstan is because in Trump’s America, I’m reminded on a daily basis by idiot friends and idiot enemies alike that a cloistered, 8th century Christian monk, if he time travelled to the present, would have a better understanding of representative democracy, the rule of law, and public relations than President Clownstick von Fuckface, his family, his senior staff, and the vast majority the Republicans in Congress. And I don’t mean that he would time travel here, take some classes at the local community college, and then he would tower over them with his knowledge. I mean that he would literally step out of the time machine, observe what was happening for a day or two, and could write a memo detailing the state of our nation’s shitty affairs. And it would be one of those fancy illuminated medieval text-looking deals too.
Lest we think that all vikings are rad and would be nothing but cool guys to raid England with and good spotters when you’re trying to max out on your bench press, remember that King Horick is around acting like he’s running things. He’s probably tied for the most Trumpesque character from 8th century northern Europe with King Aelle of Northumbria. He’s always asking everyone around him, “Are you my guy?’ and getting his guys slayed because he doesn’t take people’s advice, and generally not getting how things work. He probably takes credit for inventing travel to the West even though he doesn’t have one of those wooden circles you put in a bucket of water or one of those rocks that lets you look at the sun through the clouds.
Anyway, Trump’s America is shitty and season 2 episode 9 of Vikings is pretty good.
Unsolicited other things I could point out:
- Bjorn Ironsides is a good name. Devin Nunes is the name of some dipshit 8th grader who rides a Razor scooter inside buildings during business hours.
- Trump’s pool at Mar-a-Lago is probably as filthy as Ecbert’s bathhouse: stagnant water from ball sweat and teeming with Legionnaires virus.
- I hope season four of the Trump administration ends with Stephen Miller getting the Blood Eagle.
